Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Newsweek's cover story this week is "Women And Terror," which sounds surprisingly trashy to my ear, like Playboy is going to put out their annual "Babes of Al-Qaeda" issue next week or something. (This month's centerfold is Maheera, and she's so totally hot — I can't think of some inappropriate terrorism-related pun here — in her abaya and hajib, with like an eyebrow and her big toes exposed. Maheera reminds the horny huffaz of a beekeeper. A sex-y beekeeper.) I gotta say: women are inscrutable. We knew this already, but nothing brings that home like these women blowing crap up in the name of a faith that won't even let them leave their house unless accompanied by a man.

In case any would-be terrorist chicks are reading this, let me remind you that that Salafism you're killing people for hates you, you dirty, dirty whore. Here in America, we're just indifferent. We have more than enough pussy for everyone — if you want to join the party, that's great; if not, we're not missing out. Researching for this blog entry, I found no fewer than three websites promulgating the causistry that the official Wahhabi radiation suit uniform is liberating for women. It's not at all objectifying, the way we treat our filthy, slutty, anorexic women in the West. I bet having the option to cover your ugly self up is, in fact, liberating. Being forced to cover yourself up: not quite as liberating. It's the whole coercion at the hands of an angry, sexually repressed Mutaween thing that's the oppressive part.

As usual, I've got a solution that should make everyone happy. See, here in New York, it's like twenty-seven degrees and everyone — every single woman here — is dressed in four or five layers, head to toe. And Saudi Arabia is like a hundred degrees, so the heavy black robes aren't exactly a seasonally appropriate fashion statement. So, my idea: we pick up the Holy Land and move it to Baffin Island in Canada. 41° average temperature in August, and two below average temperature in February. And women are always cold to begin with. See, I can't believe I haven't been put in charge of the Middle East peace process yet.