I ran into this little kid heading to work on the PATH this morning, and ugh... I just look at him, his retarded, ostentationous Brooks Brothers Junior suit and courtroom tie and then his cargo shorts, and I want to fucking scream. Mostly at his parent-slash-guardian: "Why?!" Why is your poor little five-year-old dressed like that — is he going yachting later today?

I know that I pretty much look like a dork no matter what I'm wearing — formal, casual, Halloween costume — so I have a lot of experience wondering who the hell do you think you're fooling getting dressed like that. It's not like anyone's gonna mistake him for the keynote speaker at today's shareholder meeting or the company's chief operating officer or something.... No, the tie's a clip-on, so that's a pure giveaway: middle management.

The problem is that his outfit probably will impress someone — a secretary who thinks the whole thing's "just darling" or a the head waiter at a restaurant who subconsciously believes someone dressed like that would never scream and cry and crap their pants. Give him a Bluetooth headset and a briefcase and he'd probably land on one of those "Kid Genuises" episodes of Maury.