Scandal in America! Miss USA Forced to Abdicate in Bloodless Coup! Chaos in the Streets!

In case you haven't been religiously checking out TMZ.com — where celebrities, random dipweed B-list celebrities, and the random dipweeds who hang out with celebrities go to show the world what huge asses they really are — then you might not have heard that Tara Conner is about to be stripped (not literally, sadly) of her Miss USA title by none other than Donald Trump. I bet he told her, "You're fired!" Ha ha ha! I'm hilarious! Cause that's what he says on that show!

According to the always reliable New York Post, Conner was growing up a little too quickly amidst the New York City nightlife, drinking even though she's underage, failing a drug test for cocaine, and making out with Miss Teen USA Katie Blair not to mention a bunch of other scuzzy, useless NYC trust-fund club dudes. Aren't we facing a troop shortage in Iraq? I see a solution somewhere in here....

First of all, no beauty queen should be punished for making out with Miss Teen USA, unless there's a webcam in the room during the punishment. God, that sounds hot. Maybe Trump can land his obnoxious, gaudy braggadocio in the lucrative online pornography industry. And second, how is it that we can have an alcoholic, cocaine snorter as our freaking president, but somehow this behavior crosses the line for Miss USA?

What does Miss USA even do? Besides representing an implausible, misogynistic image of an idealized, subservient female role in our paternalistic society, I mean. That's a big, important job. And Maxim magazine, Victoria's Secret, beer commercials, our nation's copious collection of starlets and celebutards, Anna Wintour, and Mattel are only reinforcing ridiculous body image standards. Who's making sure impressionable young girls are personality-free, talentless, and utterly incapable and worthless without a man — preferably one who's plastered his name all over New York City but still can't get a decent damn haircut — by their side. That's too much responsibility for Miss America alone!