Update: Miss USA Survives Coup Attempt! Runner-Up Miss USA Plots Assassination!

Thank God! His Magnificence, Donald Trump, has bestowed His mercy upon Tara Conner, embattled Miss USA and dumb blonde country girl lost in the Big City. We barely avoided a military takeover of the national beauty pageant scene, pageant curfews, puppet judges controlled by a shadow Trump government, censoring what inane songs the contestants can sing. I guess that last one wouldn't really affect the Miss USA pageant because, as I just learned, unlike the almost-as-superfluous Miss America pageant, Miss USA doesn't even have a talent portion. So if you're a chick with bright skin, shining teeth, strong hair, an abnormally fast metabolism, dreams of teaching every child in the world the magic of reading, and no discernible talent whatsoever, you too can be Miss USA!

On the other hand, if you cured Alzheimer's, sang Rossini so beautifully that the Shi'ite and Sunni Muslims stopped their suicide bombing for an hour to be entranced by your mellifluous voice, and actually taught a thousand kids to read, but you're bigger than a size two or you've got braces or saggy tits or some other physical imperfection, then fuck off, Ugly!

Still, Trump, in His infinite wisdom and compassion, said he "believes in second chances" — and he goddamn should, since he's been given plenty — and Tara will be keeping her title and fairy princess tiara. Justice and the rule of law has prevailed. Naturally, there is going to be fallout: Tara will be doing hard time in rehab, following in the footsteps of other luminaries like Lohan and Olsen. Trump still believes that Tara can be a role model for young people, teaching them important life lessons like, "Don't get caught," and, "Turns out people can use these camera doohickeys to record images of you."