Monday, June 25, 2007

Good News For Once!

I can't believe we have two happy news stories today!

First, Bill O'Reilly gets owned! Twice!

Moral guardian O'Reilly was following up on a story from ages back, throwing a hissy over a left-wing Hollywood extremist high school assembly in Boulder, Colorado. BOR was outraged; the assembly was supposed to warn the kids, honestly, about the risks of drugs and sex, but there was no closet-pervert fearmongering priest among the assembly panel. Without God's guidance, the assembly turned into a meth-fueled orgy, according to reports that BOR completely made up. It's bad enough, but then the school principal, cowed, had the gall to apologize for the assembly. BOR lost his shit, again; his basic argument was "How could this gay-marrying, hybrid-driving, cut-and-run principal think that a mere apology could reverse the irreparable damage done to America's moral fiber?" Some sophomore dink from the school was booked on the Factor to validate BOR's indigance.

But then, enter American hero Jesse Lange, sixteen-year-old Boulder High student, who puts the loudmouthed bully in his place. Lange is basically the debate team Zen master in this clip, calmly correcting BOR's fantasy recollection of the assembly's transcript, then later pointing out BOR's hypocrisy by quoting The O'Reilly Factor For Kids. BOR responds by turning into a first-grader and calling Lange "a pinhead." Just enjoy the clip below. You half expect BOR to retort, "I know you are but what am I?"

But wait! There's more! The judge handed down a verdict in the case of our favorite fashion conscious abuser of the legal system, and I'm just a little less cynical today. You'll recall that Roy Pearson, human hole of suck, sued his dry cleaners for $54 million dollars after they temporarily misplaced his pants. We all knew he wasn't going to win a penny from them, and he didn't. But the story gets better: according to the L.A. Times reports that bringing his frivolous lawsuit actually costed Pearson a thousand dollars. Which he could have used to buy at least four pairs of new pants.

And normally, that would be the end of the story, but it's Opposite Day or something because the judge in the case is now considering a motion to force Pearson to pay all of the legal fees of the people he sued. And Pearson's job — remember, he's an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C. — is in peril! I am giddy over this!

This almost makes up for Paris Hilton getting out of jail today. Although I'm sure she'll be back before too long.