Phone Scam

Regular readers know that I despise cell phone ringtones, because it's annoying enough that I have to hear you yapping away while I'm trying hard to tune the real world out — it's doesn't need the mass-manufatured bubble gum pop song of the moment as a prelude. But I'm afraid I'm going to need to capitulate to the tinny dance music industry since I got a new phone over the weekend. We still have some phones in our basement — beige, boxy things with just the twelve necessary buttons — and they indicated an incoming call with a bell-like alert. The nineties came along; apparently this was too simple for the new information age and they replaced the bell with an electronic warbling simulacrum. But that wasn't melodic enough for the American public, so we came out with Nokia Tune, which begat Crazy Frog, which begat "Ringtone 9," that irritating little samba number that's always popping up in inappropriate locations, like I'm gonna start dancing every time someone calls me. Let's just get this over with and come out with a ringtone that's Jerry Lewis saying, "I'm riiiiiiiiinggggiiiiiinnngggg!" so we'll all wind up sticking icepicks in our eardrums and finally... silence.

According to LG's website, the VX5300 comes with "15 Unique Ringtones + Vibrate & Silent Modes," which is disingenuous. I don't consider "Low Beep" and "Loud Beep" to be unique. Or ringtones, for that matter. So my options are limited to a ring at frequencies only dogs can hear; that noise Simon makes when you screw up; a wacky glissando, again ending at the dog and bat range of the hearing spectrum; a high-pitched fire alarm sound; a lullaby; "When The Saints Go Marching In," the full Dixieland mix; and the aforemetioned samba tune. Is it possible to get a ringtone that sounds like — call me a crazy here — a goddamn telephone ring!

So thank you, America, for screwing up another absolutely perfect thing.