My last video for YouTube

Click on the link above if you need some context here. --Ed.

Mouth stretches to warm up.

I'm proud of my smooth legs. How dare you mock them! I wear short shorts so I can show them off... same reason you do, LisaNova.

The Execu-Lux reclining office chair from Staples wasn't designed for flaunting my assets. STAPLES IS SO STUPID!!!!! DUMB STAPLES! DUMB-PLES!

You guys are probably all wondering...

You guys are my fans! You adore me!

You guys are probably all wondering: How come Jay isn't with a post in days and days and days?

You're all lost in the wilderness without me. The freaking wilderness!

Well, did you...? Not crying is hard. Here is why. This is the reason. Why. I'veNotPostedInManyManyDays. Here's why.

I point and indict you. You, bastards!... Wait, lemme hold on: Do I curse in these things? When I'm angry?

I was terrified. Terrified! I write and write and let you bask in my legs — AND THERE'S NOTHING SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE ABOUT A SCRAWNY HALF-MAN SHOWING A LITTLE (a lot of) LEG IN AMERICA — and all I get is critikisms. You guys totally suck!

Really, let's not encourage this kid. --Ed.

Is critikisms a word?

Critikisms IS a real word! Look it up! HereI LookedItUpAnd AndItSays Right Here RightInTheDictionary "Critikisms:" Noun. IsARealWord! I know I'm gonna get a bunch of critikisms from you. I just know! I know you're counting and watching me, all the playa-haters out there.

I heard "playa-haters" on a Smosh video once. Do I have the street cred to use the words "playa-haters?" Yes, yes I do. My critikizers will laugh at me, but I'll get back at them with my magikal webkam.

Neither he, nor the super-caucasians in Smosh, have the street cred to borrow language from Hank Williams, let alone black slang. And no, they've never questioned themselves. --Ed.

Jay, you have so many posts! Six-hundred, and five-hundred ninety-nine aren't funny!

Sorry. --Ed.

Five-hundred ninety-nine are funny! Maybe you're not funny! MaybeIt'sBecauseYou'reStupid!

My fans can sympathize. LisaNova and GreenTeaGirlie and Todd2556 and RedEmerald22 don't understand, cause they talk to YouTube but they're not funny. They're dumb. Dumbdumbdumb.

People will say: You've wasted your time, Jay. Go outside, Jay. I know people are gonna say that, because I have lots of posts. Sleep with a hooker, Jay, that's what you should do with all your posts!

GreenTeaGirlie had a crush on me once.

I know so many people will say I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm spastic. I'm in perpetual puberty.

We made a sex video. I'll put it on YouTube and take that Jeremy from school. I'M NOT GAY! YOU'RE GAY!

There is no sex in the sex video. Sexuality remains in question. --Ed.

THAT IS THE KIND OF POOP THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH!

Guess I don't curse.

THATISTHEKINDOF POOP THATIHAVETODEALWITH!

GreeTeaGirlie is totally into that.

I'll give you a minute to read the title. A whole minute. You read slow, becausae you're dumb. You're a dumb-reader.

....

.... find that video ....

....

.... remind them that time's running out ....

....

People suck! Here I am writing posts and people are so rude! I'm trying to share my life here, and what do I get from you people. What do you want? What do you want from me!?

Demonstration time, baby!

I'll tell you what you want from me. You want me to fall off my chair! YouWantMeTo BreakMySexyLegs! I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!

The Execu-Lux from Dumb-ples doesn't maintain a steady weight distribution. When you stand up on it. They should have to have a warning label. Dumb-ples! They're so dumb!

Maybe this kid's an actor and he's putting on some subversive sketch comedy, making him an Andy Kaufman-type genius. But I really think he'll be shooting up a post office sometime in the next five years or so. --Ed.

You got what you wanted! Are you happy?

They're happy. Those jerks. But guess what....

I put pillows on the floor. Ha ha ha ha ha! Me: one. Playa-haters: zero. Yeah, sorry to rain on your parades...

Say something cool, say something cool...

...of MISCHIEF!

Nailed it. That one's gonna spread across the internets.

[Random outburst. Not real words.]

I can't believe people! I'm putting my grade-A material out on YouTube and there you are: let's trash it. Let's ruin it. Let's turn it into a running joke. I AM NOT A RUNNING JOKE! This is me! This is reality!

They can't handle it.

You can't handle it!

They can handle it. --Ed.

My last post. I want to thank the nice people, the fans, the friends, the people who only laughed at me behind my back, and yeah... I just, I have a confession to make: Ian Doebber's trumpet solo was at least a few measures long. I was exaggerating for dramatic effect.

Now I'm about to cry.

He's always about to cry. --Ed.

It's a relief, getting that off my chest. And here's another confession I think you deserve to hear: My underpants situation, from back in May. Solved with a toaster oven, NotAMicrowave.

[Montage of posts.]

At least ten people must be heartbroken. Now, just wait five days and then: my triumphant comeback!

Yes, he came out of retirement in five days, beating Jay-Z's previous record of a week. --Ed.