Sticks and Stones (and Improvised Explosive Devices) May Break My Bones...

The ineffectual defenders of liberty at Moveon.org took out a full-page ad in the New York Times back on Tuesday. "General Petraeus or General Betray Us?" Oh, snap! You got dissed, son! They made a pun on his name, now I bet everybody in the Pentagon lunch room is calling him names. General Dismay Us. General Toupee Us. He probably goes home crying to his mommy every day after school.

You idiots. The best you can do is throw lame insults at the man? What's next: David Petraeus' momma is so fat when she backs up she beeps? You think you're gonna hurt his feelings? The guy's been in the freaking army thirty-three years, he's seen actual combat with guns and bombs and shit—

Oh, wait... he hasn't? Never mind then.

Still, Moveon.org, like Stephen Colbert pointed out, your ad sucks and your trash-talking skills are laughable. How about next time hiring some actual writers, or inner-city street youth, or the Random Shakespearean Insult Generator to come up with your stupid ad. I'm completely flummoxed by the way Colbert and Jon Stewart and their team of writers can come up with trenchant, unassailable satire every day while the Democrats in Congress or the liberal lobbyists let themselves get Swift Boated every single time.

If the liberals aren't going to highlight this administration's absurdity — as opposed to its failure to act in the American people's interest — they really need to be doing the same thing Republicans are. Throw in some baseless and/or irrelevant comments about 9/11, so that anyone who disagrees with, or even questions, you is a terrorist sympathizer and un-American. When Guiliani and the right-wing blogs say you have no right to challenge Petraeus's integrity, remind them gently about our right to free speech, then remind them harshly that our Founding Fathers fought and died for those ideals and accuse them of being anti-freedom. Not the liberal catch-phrase "civil liberties" — makes you sound like a pussy.

They're extending troop deployments: "Are you saying our soldiers don't deserve to be home with their families?"

Violence is down in Anbar Province: "How come you haven't caught Osama yet?"

Doesn't need to be coherent, just rabidly patriotic, and maybe something better than what a fifth-grader could do.