Dear John Kerry:

Normally, I don't write to presidential candidates. You see, I'm a shy person, not comfortable expressing myself publicly for fear I'll be mocked and ridiculed, but since you're such a huge pussy loser, I figure there's no way you can rattle me. Now, during the campaign, you made a promise. You promised that you would fight for average Americans, and don't you dare think for a second that you've been absolved from that promise just because you conceded the election. We need you more than ever to fight for us, and hopefully find some way to kick Bush's ass out of the White House and back to Texas where it belongs.

How about you start by investigating his campaign practices during the past year or so. For instance, weren't some of his top advisors also working with the Swift Vote liars? And isn't that illegal? Are you gonna take that from a bitch like Bush? If this were Clinton, your sanctimonious redneck extremist colleagues in Congress would be on him like flies on a turd. And what about Bush's Olympic commercial? Also illegal. Okay, it's not like he had his minions break into the Democratic National Headquarters — and, by the way, are you sure his minions didn't break into your headquarters — but are you gonna cower behind your desk or are you going to fight for an America where no one, not even the president and his puppeteers, is above the law?

Teresa wouldn't put up with this crap. She'd tear him a new one. But who wears the pants in your family? Evidently, not you.

Now, let's talk about voter fraud. I'm not saying that Georgie and his minions tampered with the elections, but I wouldn't put it past them. It's not like they're above spreading lies regarding your service in Vietnam. Didn't some poll worker find stacks of Democratic voter registrations torn up in the trash? The Ohio Secretary of State is a Republican working directly for the Bush campaign, and that doesn't strike you as a little suspicious? And those damn electronic voting machines down in Florida. The company that builds them is a major donor to the Bush administration, their president publicly said he'd "deliver Ohio" to the GOP, and there's no paper trail. Do you have any idea how easy it is to randomly switch one of every ten-thousand Kerry votes to Bush. They could've pre-programmed the results they wanted back in 2001.

Okay, I'm done, John. Protect us from those nefarious Republican nutjobs.

Thanks!

Your friend,

Jay Harris