You know, I'm sooooo morose about Dubya: The Sequel, but there is always a chance that he'll screw up in a way that even the red states and their supposed "values voters" won't be able to overlook: a Paris Hilton/Dick Cheney sex tape surfaces on the internet or Dubya calls Wayne Brady the n-word or something. I mean, compared to sending young Americans to die on false pretenses, shit like that's stuff you really get knocked around for.

The problem is with these values voters and Dubya's whole "born-again" nonsense. First of all, born-again Christians are just sinners who traded in their blatant sins like anger and gluttony for more subtle sins like avarice (that's greed, for those of you with a red-state education), pride, and lust. Jesus would be rolling over in His heavenly grave if he saw some of the jackasses who are calling themselves born-again, starting with our prez. Personally, I don't think that giving tax breaks to the ultra-super-wealthy is something Our Lord and Savior, who once said something relevant here about camels passing through needles, would approve of. And about Dubya's lust for power, mobilizing those crusading "armies of compassion," trying to turn the whole planet into a giant Wal-Mart with Dick Cheney as its assistant manager. I don't think Jesus was too into that kind of stuff either.

But by far, far, far, the worst that we get from those goddamned born-again asswads is their fucking self-righteousness, as if God, in His infinite wisdom, would choose racist truck-driver Backwoods Earl to spread His message of glory. Okay people, that feeling's not God, it's what happens when you mix Jack Daniels with your medication. Believing that you're so special that God would actually want you to rub your specialness in and lord it over the unchosen is the most obnoxious, arrogant kind of hypocritical pride there is.

But what about my own pride, you might ask. Well, you see, Backwoods Earl, you're allowed to be proud if you use it constructively and if you actually are better than the slack-jawed cousin-marrying name-on-your-shirt yokels that you're holding it over. As for the latter, the fact that I can not only read and write, but also think for myself and see through Karl Rove's ruses makes me a better person than the red-staters who can't. And as for using it constructively.... well, if you can think of a better way to use the gifts God (who has forsaken us) gave me than to rally the values of tolerance, wisdom, and compassion and decry the red-state vices of intolerance, ignorance, and arrogance, then you tell me.

So anyway, here's another problem with those red-state nutjobs, which I've already alluded to. I'm here in New York, and as a non-tourist, I am so fucking fed up with all the tourists around here. Why? Because they want to turn every place that isn't their podunk shithole hometown into their podunk shithole hometown. Like with crossing the street. Real New Yorkers will cross against the light, but if there's, say, a taxi barrelling towards us, we'll speed up so we don't get clobbered. Tourists — they expect the taxi to stop for them because that's what friendly midwestern folk do. And like with Iraq, and how they just assume that the Iraqis want their country to be like Akron. Hell, I don't even want my country to be like Akron.

Well, maybe Dubya will choke on another pretzel.