I had two job interviews today, and I didn't want to make a first impression looking like someone involved in a face-first sled-fence collision, so my mom introduced me to a tube of some feminine face paint called "concealer." Why the hell wasn't I told about this stuff sooner?! You rub this stuff on your face and it covers up all the mean jokes God decided to play on you, at least the ones the Almighty played on your face. It actually does a pretty decent job. Like, I put it on the yellowish and black bruises around my left eye and it turned the encounter with a fence into the after-effects of a sleepless night. It worked so well I used it on my right eye, which typically looks like I haven't been sleeping enough, and I looked like I got an extra ten minutes of sleep. Wonderful! I might turn into a drag queen and use this stuff on a daily basis. Take that, acne!