Wednesday, February 2, 2005

Sticks and Stones

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post complaining about the tasteless coffee at the organic, microbiotic, vegan, whatever New York cafe Soy Luck Club. So a little before six in the morning someone bravely calling him-or-herself Anonymous left the following comment on that post:

well if you weren't so ugly, maybe coffee at soy luck club would taste better.
First of all, Anonymous, is that supposed to be an insult? Cause the first half is kind of insulting, although going after my looks isn't exactly what I'd call a challenge, but taken as a whole, your comment doesn't really make any sense. Maybe if you weren't so ugly, the coffee at Soy Luck Club would taste better, but probably not. My guess is that Anonymous is a hideous inbred freakazoid covered in acne and bedsores, and he's jealous of my admittedly-average appearance.

As a service to Anonymous, let me give a brief lesson on how to deliver a proper insult, like "I guess your mom was smashed on gin and meth during her third trimester. Explains why you can't string together a sentence that makes a lick of sense." Lesson one: if your pseudo-insult doesn't follow basic rules of cause and effect, your comment turns out to be more amusing than hurtful. See A., the taste of the coffee doesn't have anything to do with the way you or I or anyone else looks. If it did, you'd melt into a steaming acrid puddle just walking into Starbucks. See how it works, buddy?