Saturday, November 5, 2005

My Immune System Hates Me

I am ill. I was afraid I've got the avian flu, thanks in part to Dubya's speech at the National Institues of Health the other day. Then I recalled that Bush is just fearmongering so we'll stop thinking about Scooter and the CIA leak investigation, skyrocketing gas prices, Harriet Miers, over two-thousand U.S. soldiers dead in Iraq, and Brownie's response to Hurricane Katrina, and I decided that I probably just have a cold instead. (By the way, "Scooter?" "Brownie?" Is Cub Scout Troop #215 running the country?) Keith Olbermann points out how each of the governments increased terror threats "coincidentally" came a few hours to a few days after some massive Bush administration bungling, and he invites his viewers to draw their own conspiracy theories. It's tempting, until you realize that the Bush administration fucks something up pretty much every day, so there really aren't any conclusions to reach.

That being said, I wish that Dubya could make it clear in his speeches when there's a viable threat and when he's just trying to Neuralize the American public. Maybe something like, "The British have intelligence that Osama bin Laden is trying to acquire chickens from China. We must not allow evildoers to get their hands on any poultry." I hope that after eight years of punking us, the administration will eventually tell us where the hidden cameras are.

Back to my disease, which is probably not bird flu and which, despite the title of this post, probably isn't lupus either, because my immune system does hate me, but in a passive-aggressive way. I have this post-nasal-drippy throat and my nose feels like it's full of cotton, and some mentholyptus-flavored ice cream would be totally awesome right now. Awesome and disgusting. Some wasabi-scented candles or maybe horseradish air freshener would be nice, too.

I am disturbed by the sheer array of wasabi-mint scented products that Google found, including not only candles, but also body scrub, hangover treatment, and foot fetish soak salt, which I don't even want to ask about.