Here's what's awesome about living in the twenty-first century: I joined MySpace today and in less than two minutes, I apparently made a new friend. It's this guy here, , who claims to be named Tom, and although I've never met him before, "My Friend Space" informs me that I have one friend and he's the one they've listed, so who am I to argue. Tom's Friend Space, incidentally, claims upwards of fifty-eight million friends (which means he's like BFF with almost .9% of the entire planet's population) so his parties must be totally off the hook. I bet they're a bit crowded though.

Here's the problem, Tom. I mentioned this once before, when I ran across a super-uterus trying to populate the world, but there's only twenty-four hours in a day. If you're lucky, maybe you'll live eighty years or so, and that works out to devoting about forty-three seconds of your life to each friend. I think I'll schedule my forty-three seconds with Tom maybe sometime in 2025.

Thankfully, MySpace is trying, struggling, to introduce me to "Cool New People," including The Matty, , and Scud, . For future reference, MySpace, there is and there will never be anyone cool who calls themselves Scud. But whatever. Scud's profile says that he's a 6'4" Leo, he's a college graduate, and evidently he's undecided as to whether he has children. Wow, it's eerie. I feel like I've known him my whole life.

As for The Matty, his general interests include — and I'd like to remind you that these are the cool new people — "chillin'" and superfluously replacing letters with apostrophes, and his ethnicity is "other." I'm not sure he could possibly be any more generic. I'm really disturbed about how he has fourteen more clearly insipid friends (like this guy, , who really enlightens the global village with his bulletin board post, "tom f*cken snapped on you matty! damn, gotta start this sh*t all over again! damn and you were all pumped up about the profile view count...") than I do.