Monday, April 3, 2006

The Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards were held on Sunday, because you're never too young to be pandered to by an evil brainwashing media conglomerate that doesn't know where to put its apostrophes. It's the only award show where kids — and pederasts prowling the website — vote for the winners, so it's like a civics lesson for them. The KCA teaches them about democracy: majority rules; and, since the electorate is made up of hyperactive rhesus monkeys, you wind up with some dumb douche like Lindsay Lohan for president and getting this radioactive cum and piss mixture dumped on you. I think the words "radioactive cum" should appear in every single Nickelodeon press release.

You'll be totally shocked to learn that the winners in just about every category are shows on Nickelodeon and their scenery-munching actors. Also, Will Smith, because apparently he's legally obligated to take home one orange blimp annually and then store it way in the back of the same closet he keeps D.J. Jazzy Jeff locked in. This brings up two important questions. First of all, who the fuck is Drake Bell, and why is he on my TV every time I channel surf between the Home & Garden Network and the Sci-Fi Channel? And second, you mean to tell me that eight-year-olds actually went to the movies to see the King of Queens get laid?

Thus we see why kids should never be given choices: they are stupid and will invariably make the wrong ones. I have to admit that I originally confused the KCA with Teen People magazine's Teen Choice Awards. It's really a misnomer — there's no actual choice because it looks like just about everyone who's ever been on Access Hollywood takes home an award. Hell, the winners' list is like two miles long, and I might have even won something. (Probably one of those technical awards they give out earlier in the evening.)

The thing is I was hoping I could get away under the delusion that it's just a stupid children's award show, and really it's not like the teenagers made any worse decisions than, say, the Hollywood Foreign Press. But on the other hand, shows like this are the reason Rob Schnieder — who hasn't said or done anything remotely funny since playing that copier guy on SNL like fifteen years ago, and even that wasn't all that funny — is still making movies, and even though pretty much all of the Golden Globes are handed out to the wrong nominee, at least those winners aren't making active contributions to humanity's decadence and the decline of civilization. This is why I'm against giving teenagers disposable income almost as much as I'm against straight marraige: those rotten kids apparently shop while they're freaking high, and now I can't watch Veronica Mars without seeing the ad for that movie where that Napoleon Dynamite doofus makes an ass of himself trying to play baseball.

Apparently, I'm in the minority though. There was a bill going through the California legislature that would've given teenagers the right to vote in state elections. Great, that's just what California needs, a million more idiots in the voting pool. Not that I believe all kids are stupid, and I find this quote from one of the bill's opponents kind of offensive, "There's a reason why 14-year-olds and 16-year-olds don't vote. They are not adults. They are not mature enough. They are easily deceived by political charlatans." I mean, dude, your state elected the Kindergarten Cop as governor, so shut up. It's just that we've all been through those dumb student council elections back in middle school, and the winner was always the popular kid who, it turned out, couldn't manage the awesome responsibility of organizing candy drives for the eighth-grade trip to Great Adventure, and I'd really prefer if we didn't bring that political ethos to the national stage where it actually matters.