Saturday, April 29, 2006

We Get Already: You're Against The War

My parents gave me the option of spending today in the city, at some boring NYU workshop on the ins and outs of copyright law, or doing yardwork with my anal retentive dad, so here I am in New York. I'm on my NYC Wi-Fi Cafe Tour '06, getting coffee at every internet cafe I come across in my travels and, unfortunately, massively underestimating the capacity of my bladder. NYC Wi-Fi Cafe Tour got cut short and replaced with NYC Wi-Fi Place With Bathrooms Cleaned More Than Once A Century Tour. It's a much shorter tour.

Problem is that at the same time as my Wi-Fi Bathroom Tour, there's an annoying anti-war protest marching down Broadway, blocking traffic (which, as a pedestrian, I don't give a damn about) and blocking me from getting to my men's room (which, as a pedestrian, I do care about). It's not that I'm for the war, and it's not that I'm against guys with goatees and ponytails who haven't showered in three days either — it's just that seeing this wave of ingenuous fools between me and my bathroom makes me despair for the human condition. Are these people actually naive enough to think that if they hold up a sign and yell some rhymes into a megaphone, Dubya will pull the troops out of Iraq?

I've got news for you protesters: no one in power cares about you, your peace sticker , or your stupid paper mache puppet. Your time would be better spent flying to Iran and giving their racist demagogue president a big hug and a stuffed animal that squeaks out "I love you" when it's squeezed. As usual, however, I have a plan for getting the Bush administration's attention, but you'll have to stop walking down the street and actually be useful if you want it to work: We take all the money being spent on signs and stickers and flyers, all the donations we're making to the Save Darfur Coalition and Amnesty Internation, pool it all together, and start buying up oil rigs in the Persian Gulf. You see, you gotta stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what the guys who started this war want. Worked for Lysistrata. I'd also say that part of our anti-war plan should involve women across America refusing to fuck Don Rumsfeld, but I really can't imagine any woman wanting to sex up Rummy in the first place.